Mint's Blueberry Bushel

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June 2026

blinked

June 3, 2026 - 12:28am

Holy shit I forgot to blog a few days.

Much like a call updating my grandparents on my life: nothing really new has happened since the last time we spoke. A new medication was added to the roster: Lurasidone. We originally were going to try Vraylar, but apparently it doesn't have a generic version. So it was $1400 for a 30 day supply.

I told my psychiatrist that I would try anything, but I didn't agree to bankruptcy.

I was able to get in touch with my doctor before he went on vacation though, so I asked if we could try Lurasidone instead. I read that it should have the opposite effect on bipolar that Abilify does. Abilify suppresses mania symptoms, whereas Lurasidone suppresses the depression symptoms, which obviously as a bipolar 2 haver that is the biggest issue.

He told me to wait about a week to see how I feel on it, and it will be a full week on Thursday (June 4). I feel pretty good right now, but I wasn't sure if it was just placebo effect from starting a new medicine or if it was already working. Hopefully the good feelings stay.

I also have found a new hyperfixation in the past few days. I cannot stop fucking playing Marvel Rivals. I've been playing it like it's my full-time job for about 3 days now. I'm trying to balance it with the other games I currently play, but I definitely am only thinking about Rivals right now.

a breakthrough?

June 9, 2026 - 12:17am

I didn't have much going on the past few days other than feeling anxious and sad.

Today though, I finally felt motivated for the first time in months. Maybe even a years at this point. I hope it's the Lurasidone doing its job.

I cleaned for two hours today! Took care of the pile of clothes on my bed, broke down Cheez-it boxes, did laundry, AND stripped / washed my sheets and Taco Bell blanket. Holy shit. I feel AMAZING. Physically, not so much, but today was the first time in a long time that I actually felt good.

wow.

June 17, 2026 - 1:08am

Things haven't felt this good in a long time. A long, long time.

I have actually been going to sleep at somewhat normal times, not giving me a lot of time to think about writing. I find myself lately falling asleep halfway through an episode of Schitt's Creek. BUT wow. I feel I have some energy again. I find myself being more productive in different areas, getting motivated to get things done.

I had so much fun meeting Kit for the first time and experiencing the World Bird Sanctuary with her! It was so amazing to learn so much about those incredible birds with her. Though, my least favorite thing about meeting online friends is when we have to leave. There will never be a time where I don't sob in the car after we separate.

I also have discovered the wonder of Zyrtec + Pepcid. Holy shit. My PMDD makes me feel so insane sometimes. Within like, 30 minutes of taking it I felt like a completely different person. When Boba was trying to ragebait me I successfully ignored her without getting so frustrated that I sob. And that's amazing.

directory

May 2026

the clusterfuck of life

(May 21) - May 22, 2026 - 3:49am

I woke up today (technically yesterday, May 21 around like 11am?) and immediately felt sluggish. Incredibly emotional. My period is usually irregular, but after checking when my period was last that would mean I am smack into my luteal phase. Fuck. Everything. The world is pretty cruel for scheduling my luteal phase as the same weekend as the 7 year anniversary of dad's passing.

Every little thing got to me today. The most minor of inconveniences sent me into a spiral. I need to try more breathing exercises or something. That's only temporary relief, though. I honestly think that maybe I need to up my Lamotrigine dosage because I have been feeling depressed more than not, even before this luteal phase started.

It doesn't help that there was family drama that I just did not have the energy to deal with. Especially not now. I just want to scream. Everything is too much all at fucking once and my brain is a jumble of bullshit.

I miss my dad. I can't fucking sleep.

monotony

May 22, 2026 - 11:49pm

Boba was incessantly biting her cage bars this morning to wake me up. Just to be a bitch and piss me off, obviously.

My day today was much like yesterday: tired, emotional, filling up time until Haz got home. I have been so emotional that I cried when I was surprised with a stuffed-crust pizza for dinner. Oh my god I haven't had stuffed crust in so long. (it was delicious as expected). We played some FFXIV together after I smoked a bit to calm down, but my eyes were really really tired by 9:30pm or so. Then I slept for about 3 hours. And now I'm awake again trying to carry it over to tomorrow and not gain enough energy to stay back awake.

I was told by both Jenn and Serena earlier today to try the Zyrtec + Pepcid method to help tackle my PMDD. We luckily had both around the house, even though the Pepcid was this nasty chewable kind with a rancid aftertaste. I'm hoping that taking it more in the morning will help more, but today I took it a little before dinner and didn't notice much change yet. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow.

We're supposed to see the new Mandalorian + Grogu movie tomorrow (Saturday), and I'm hoping I have the energy to actually shower and get out of the house. I was supposed to go out for dumplings tonight with a group of people I haven't met from a Midwest Kpop discord group I'm in, but... I did not have the energy to get ready or the energy to meet new people when I've been feeling like this. I know I need to prioritize making new local friends here, but how can I try when I feel so lifeless most of the time?

Now that choir is over for the season, it seems the days lately are just rolling together since I have no actual reason to leave the house right now. Haz and I are going to try to explore a new fun place in the city a few times a month just to get out there more. Hopefully we can explore a little tomorrow while we're out :)

a good day

(May 23) - May 24, 2026 - 2:35am

Today was incredible, I wish all days were like this. I know Haz has been extra nice to me considering tomorrow is the "sad day."

We went to an amazing Japanese buffet where I had the most amazing buttery baked scallops. I also really enjoyed their fried dumplings, and the crab stick, but I had to get more scallop for the second round! It was soooo good for the price, too, we're definitely going to come back. After the buffet we went to see the Mandalorian and Grogu. It was super fun and I really enjoyed it, and that makes it a good movie in my eyes.

We also took a spontaneous little grocery outing to get some redbull and other treats. We've been obsessed with the Albanese gummy bears lately, and I got to try the exotic fruits flavor which was pretty good! I still prefer the berry bag, but they didn't have it at this store. While we were about to check out there was also a Time magazine BTS edition, so obviously that came home with us.

To end the day I played some fortnite in VC with friends, and got to do some dungeons in ffixiv with Crit during his evening stream.

Now that I'm in bed and recollecting the day my brain is trying to pull a "hey, do you remember what happened on this date" moment as if I could ever forget. I don't want to be sad. I just want to remember him and not have an aching in my chest. I hope tomorrow I can be distracted enough to not be sad.

the sad days™

(May 25) - May 26, 2026 - 5:13am

I didn’t write a post talking about yesterday. I didn’t really want to write about today either, if I’m being honest. For the past 6 years on May 24 and 25 I’ve been “observing” both days for the anniversary of my dad’s passing. He passed around 11:30pm on the 24th, but was seen by the coroner after midnight on the 25th, so that was technically the official date.

It’s hard to try to recall the past two days and what I was feeling. There is a numbness that cannot easily be put into words. An emptiness. A hollow ache inside my chest. Around this time of year when I’m reminded of the worst moment of my life it feels like the heaviest rain cloud ready to pour. And I just think. And I remember. And I cry. And I think. And I remember. And I cry. I remember that night. I remember holding his hand until the end. I am brought back to that place of pain, desperation, and disbelief. I never have nightmares, but when I do I am brought back to this memory. I try to shift focus and remember his laughter, his reaction to a major weather event, the way he would pick up the phone and say “hey, Trouble.”

I went out with Haz and got a grape Nehi, as I always do on the 24th. He kept me busy all day to help get my mind off of the looming dread of the day. I know dad would have loved him. I wish he could see how much happier I am now than I was then.

I miss him so much and I mourn the new memories that we should have been allowed to make together. 7 years doesn't feel real.

thankful

May 28, 2026 - 12:23am

I made an appointment for tomorrow with my psychiatrist because my medicine is simply not doing enough. I don't know what suggestions or new prescription I'll leave with in the afternoon, but I just want to feel better. I have no energy and no motivation. I start my online coding program in about a week and a half and I have GOT to find the motivation to get that going and make sure I finish it.

I haven't been able to feel much of anything the past few days. I've felt numb, still. The only thing really getting me through the days is Haz. He understands me, he goes out of his way to make me feel better, he pays attention. I am so grateful to have him in my life. He has changed so much for me. I cannot help but feel guilty sometimes for how much he has done to help me. Sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve it.